Saturday, October 28, 2006

Lady in Red

The lady in red is dancing with me
Cheek to cheek
There's nobody here
It's just you and me
It's where I wanna be
But I hardly know this beauty by my side
I'll never forget the way you look tonight
The lady in red
My lady in red

excerpt from Lady in red by chris Deburgh

Monday, September 18, 2006

The Mountain and the molehills

So is this it. That wasn't a question. Was it? While dreaming of mountains I will fail to see all the molehills that dot my path. I have a choice to make. The goal is clear. The mission has been briefed. The choices understood. I can lower my gaze from the sky and concentrate on my path or I can hold onto my fantasies and blindly stumble along the way in the hope that I'll somehow make it through unscathed. The sands are almost all gone. I have to choose before the rain comes and the choice is made for! There's the mountain, beautiful, majestic and proud. Then there's the path of molehills, very clear, very present and real. The wind is blowing now, it has been for a while, to try and force my hand. It is known that you cannot resist the wind, not for long anyway. Her campaign is unrelenting, her goal but one, her destiny forecast. She whispers caring words in your ears so you may not fight her, eventually she will have her way. she always does. listen to her, I know she loves me but she doesn't know me. If she knew me at all she would leave me to my foolish ambitions. She would leave me to wallow in this murky cesspool of indecision and blow on her merry way. But she doesn't, She is real. The path is real. The molehills are real. The mountain is but a mirage and I am but a shadow. Yet the sun does not shine. Why isn't anything simple anymore. I remember yesterday when I was flesh and blood. The pleasure of breath, the sweetness of every heartbeat. For a moment I picture my tombstone, gray, weathered and chipped. The words have darkened and I can no longer make them out. What will I do, will I truly be reborn? There's no way I can let my dream go. There's no way I can hold onto it. Yes there is but it's a painful, sacrificing, martyr choice. And the wind will not understand. Yes they are blowing from all directions now. Can I just live? Ha! If it was only that easy. This is my Ka. This is my An-tet. This is my path and I have to walk it. Yet I know he's watching.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

now about this tagging business...


*Post six weird facts/habits about yourself. These cannot be used against you later on.
*At the bottom name the six people you will tag next.
*Leave them a comment to let them know they’ve been tagged and to read your blog.

I have Spiceboo, Mocha and Valedon to thank for this so without further ado -

I love to surprise people. It's hard for me to give a gift without throwing in some sort of surprise twist into it. The more I care about the person, the more elaborate the ruse. Sometimes it gets so bad that setting up the surprise costs me way more than the gift - but what can I say it's worth it. I'd spend my last dime on someone I cared about easy.

I'm very private. I like to have my own space even from family - scratch that especially from family. The only person I don't mind being around 24/7 is whoever I'm in a relationship with. and maybe a few other select people. I'm actually very good at keeping secrets that's probably why my friends like to confine in me.

I love music. No I mean like crazy jump in a fire to save a cd love, you just don't know. I probably have about 5,000 songs on my PC. You know what it's more of an obsession - like if music was a person, I'd be a full time stalker. oh yeah, I love poetry too (see *I love music)

I have an unquenchable thirst to learn and know things. I've read books on everything from quarks and the space/time continuum to how milk is pasteurized. I have so many questions in my head that sometimes it worries me that I might go crazy. seriously. Sometimes I have to slow my brain down kidogo coz it almost hurts, but I guess too much curiosity is better than none at all - at least that's what I tell myself.

I can never stay mad at anyone for long......well, never say never, I should probably say I haven't yet. I can honestly say I don't hate anyone. I'm usually easy to get along with coz I try to be considerate. Sometimes I question myself coz there are certain things that you should be angry at for long but it's just too much work. I guess that's why I still talk to all my exs. figures!

I'm a night owl. One of the hardest things for me to do is to go to bed before 2am. I always seem to find something to get into and it's not always the right thing. Something about a devils workshop.....! I just like it better after sun down. Maybe my great grandpa was a vampire or something.

Having completed my obligations I hereby tag Devious, DP, Kaggz, Ziwani, Shiroh and Instigator.

Monday, May 15, 2006

LUCID DREAMS ctd......

Now that I'm starting to feel like my old self again, it's about time I wrap up this story - I hope ya'll haven't given up on me. Just in case you forgot the storyline ....

Lucid dreams ......part 1

Lucid dreams ......part 2

Lucid dreams ......part 3

the last part should be up in a little while ... scared? you should be!

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Muddy waters

Muddy waters beneath a silver spring. The blue moon watching over a lonely star. The trees dancing their slow sway (in their way) as the wind whistles another sad love song. These are the realms of my heart. A wolf howls distances away, I know he’s there. But I have cried wolf before, many times before. The owl gazing at me in her all knowing way lets out a sad understanding hoot. I try to smile but my lips don’t remember how. It’s been like this for a minute and a year. My weakened spirit fighting a false war that I’m bound to inevitably lose. Why can’t it be that I win the war before the battle? Could it be that I’m my own enemy thus the most stunning victory would equal the most crushing defeat? If this was so then I should never dare to fight, but still I do! Why is everything both black and white? A tear wells up in my eye but it doesn’t fall. I blink it away (but it’s here to stay). It’s been this way for a minute and a year. This present darkness cast over everything. Muddy waters beneath a silver spring .

…..but still the sun will rise at dawn.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Heart or Duty

I look around this burning house
ash and fire
the grey smoke rising higher
Yet the walls are so cold

I am bound by oath to this place
paper and color
the places I signed my honor
Yet I cannot stay

I have found a new solace
pillow and bed
gentle bosom to rest my head
Yet it will not let me

I have a choice to make
heart or duty
to follow task or beauty
Yet beauty’s going away

Monday, January 02, 2006

Déjà Vu (not really)

There’s that Déjà Vu feeling again! Wasn’t I just here a few (days?? Weeks?? Months??!!) ago? I look around the place and I know for certain I’ve been here before. There’s a note lying on the floor, I pick it up.... I will go to the gym more.... Hmmm, where have I heard those words before?! What’s that? There’s something written on the right corner, I look more closely....January 1st 2005...I recognize that hand writing but can’t quite place it. What is this? The twilight zone? It must be because everything seems so strange. There’s something on the table…’s a picture! Maybe that’ll answer some of my questions. I pick it up, it’s dusty and faded like a distant memory yet the colors are still bright and alive. The paper feels strangely warm as I gently brush the dust off it’s surface. There’s a face on it. It’s a young boy/man with a stoic face, kind eyes and bright smile that I feel strangely drawn to. Who is this boy/man? I turn the picture over...good luck bro, keep it real...and suddenly I feel great sadness. Is this me? I look around the room and spot the mirror on the wall. The face looking back at me is not the same in the picture but there’s some familiarity. I must know who this boy/man is. I tuck the picture in my left breast pocket (right above my heart) in case the memory comes back to me. There’s a vase on the table with dry, wilted flowers in it. I move closer and realize that all the flowers have turned brown from age (they were once half a dozen yellow roses, some pink posies and a few red carnations). There’s a card stuck in between the stems...Happy Valentines Mom... I open it ...I love you, Feb 14th 2002...and notice a tear drop stain on it. Does that date mean that’s the last time this person got a valentine’s wish? I hope not because that would really be sad. There’s a handmade titanium fountain pen with a gold nib and some sort or engraving on it next to the vase. I pick it up...Happy Birthday Dad, November__ ...and realize the engraving wasn’t finished. What kind of person doesn’t know his/her father’s birthday? I would never be so cut off from the people I love. If this was me I would stay close to all the people important to me, this is inexcusable! I want to leave this place, it’s full of cold memories and sadness. I notice the bottle of Burberry Brit on the night stand. What a coincidence, that’s the same (make that only) cologne I use. Hmmm, I have a shirt just like the one lying on the bed. Actually I have that same bed! What is this some kind of joke? What’s today April fools? I look down at my wrist to check the date but my watch is missing. WAIT! There’s my watch lying right next to the bottle of cologne! That's when I notice the sign over the bed, "SANDMAN"!